Temporary Amnesia

I don't remember when I lost myself.

I don't remember when I stopped loving - me.

Did I ever love myself, or was I too busy running from the hurt that was thrust upon me

from the narcissists who made it all about them,

from those who didn't love themselves but made it all about them and made me feel small?

I don't remember being held in a space of unconditional love.

Never knew a love that didn't come with expectations, skewed boundaries, guilt, and shame.

It was always about someone else, their needs, wants, and desires.

It was always cast in self-loathing and degradation.

I don't remember when I gave myself away or if it was ever my decision at all.

I don't recall being an individual or feeling cherished or an entity outside of one being exploited by others.

Was I ever more than a possession for manipulation purposes?

I don't remember not being a dumping ground for all the feelings that were pent up inside these individuals,

who couldn't see me as a child and who didn't care to keep their relationships with me

in a place of innocence.

I don't remember how it all came about or at what age it started,

but I also can't remember it ever being different.

Nothing comes to me when I dive back into the abyss of those years, except for pain

masked deeply within smiles, lies, laughter, threats, secrets, belittling, and control.

I don't remember when my inner voice became stifled and the voices of others took up residence in its place.

I don't remember ever being free to be myself.

Free to live in my weirdness, bliss, joy, eccentricities, or gifts God entrusted me with.

I don't remember when it all went wrong because I was always told that it was right.

But what I do know now is that I will never go back to it!

I have learned the lessons, and taken them on my journey of self-discovery, love, and acceptance.

The time has come to be authentically and safely held in high regard.

No longer will I be scared, ashamed, or contained.

I am free of the temporary amnesia.

I can finally remember!